Last Night

I woke up disoriented at 5:30am having a panic attack to find myself lying horizontally across my mattress. Finn used to wake me up to feed him between 5 and 6am by gently biting my hands or pressing his claws into my flesh in a slow and deliberate manner.

There was no one to feed or cuddle, so instead I peed, took an ativan and wrote in my journal for awhile. I also felt relief for having awoken from my bad dream (which I can no longer remember), but disturbed I had worked myself and my sheets into such a state.

I leave San Francisco in two days and the stress is getting to me.

Happy Trans Pride!

HU-FING-RAY!

Today is my last full day of work. Tomorrow my office going away party begins at 2pm and then we put on our finest and go the Trans March at Dolores Park (intern Alicia is doing intern Peter's make-up--so cute!). I foresee it as a great gay way to go out. Also, the new dude they hired is queer too, so I'm happy about that, keep it in the family.

To celebrate the end of work and the beginning of pride and a summer of fun, an amazing video for you all:

Mourning

Many of you know that I've been wanting to shave my head since Tucker died. I wanted to grow my hair long and cut it off and leave it at her grave.
My inspiration was the scene in Willow, where Willow's wife gives him her braid before he leaves for the great adventure. The image of her beautiful red braid made a strong impression on me.
I planned on shaving my head when I returned to the Bay Area in August. However, Finn's death prompted me to take immediate action and mingle my hair with his on the bathroom floor.

Job stood up, tore his robe in grief, and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground and worshiped. Job 1:20

For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered. 1 Corinthians 11:6

Many thanks to Erika and Andy who provided moral support, buzzing assistance and documented the cathartic process.

My Bum Bum

My beloved cat Finn died unexpectedly last week. We don't know exactly what happened, just that he went missing on Wednesday night and then Julie found his body Thursday morning underneath a neighbors van. Ethan had to crawl under and pull him out while I was wailing on the sidewalk like a banshee.

I loved him so much, he was a fierce cuddle monster who taught me a lot about love, boundaries, personal space and asserting oneself.


it's lonely without him. No one greets me at the door or massages my stomach making biscuits and drolling on me at night. There is no reason to rush home or look forward to getting off work at an unusual hour to surprise him. I miss my baby, 69 B is not the same without him.

Is Gay Marriage Feminist?

I don't think so, but these NYTimes pictures are awesome and hilarious!



the hipster gays want to get married too!


will someone make me sugar-free gay cupcakes for my next bday?

It's Like This...

This past weekend was one of the best ever. It was really f*ing fun and has inspired me to write a gratitude list. Of course, this inspires my neurotic mind to generate a list of stresses of equal length.

The blessings:

-shopping sprees with my friend, tory, who's visiting from pdx and just happens to have dope style and gives crucial fashion advice.

-super fun going away party at aileen's apartment with decorations and a clean up crew included! THANKS FRIENDS!


-tory and i getting dressed up in our finest butch/femme gear and discovering an open bar and wine at the tables at the wedding reception.

-8 days of work left!!!

-getting to go to grad school

-my future cross country adventures. i can hear the open road calling my name, it sounds like "freedom!"

-pride: the parties, community, films and revelry

The challenges:

-being seated at a table and having to converse with corporate sell outs who are touchy about it at the wedding reception.

-psychic reading where they told me about lots of abuse inflicted upon me and by me in past lives. i concluded that if i am going to continue to believe in reincarnation then i am going to have to accept the fact that i probs haven't existed for thousands of years without inflicting any harm. not to be cavalier, but as i said to tory when we left that place "somebody had to be hitler."

-8 days of work left to get everything done!

-driving alone cross country sounds lonely and scary...WHAT IF I BREAK DOWN IN THE DAKOTAS?!?

-leaving, having to say good-bye

-pride: the stress, drama, crises and hangovers


The truth:

-they are all blessings and i'm going to be just fine.