American Style Justice Part 2

My new intern is getting depressed working here. Everyday she goes through the many letters we receive from prisoners and tries to figure out what to do with them. Usually, no matter what they want, we just send them back a form letter telling them that we don't have any attorneys on staff and can't help them. Some people are looking for our prisoner resource guide but the project has moved to New York, so we can't even send them that. She has to send them a letter telling them to send another request to New York. They waited months to get a letter telling them to send more letters.

But she doesn't even know the worst part, which is that New York will only send them the resource guide if they have some available, which often they don't. They don't have funding for the project all the time, its contingent upon grants and guess what? There aren't a lot of funds available to support prisoners (shocker!). This was the fun convo we had today:

Intern: Which of the prisoner letters am I supposed to respond to directly?

Me: What do you mean?

I: Some of them write and want the resource guide but others are asking specific legal questions and I shouldn't send them the form letter, right?

M: No, you should. You're not a lawyer or a law student so you can't answer their questions or do research for them. The resource guide will tell them how to write their appeal themselves.

I: But some of them write really detailed, six page letters talking about how they were mistreated and the terrible things that happened to them. A lot of them are fathers and want to see their kids, one guy sent a picture of his family (holds up heart breaking picture).

M: Yeah

I: So for the one's who write a really long letter, I want to write them back, ok?

M: Sure, you can spend 10 minutes on each letter (I feel like a major bastard as I say this). The thing is, we're not a licensed referral agency so we can't give them the names of attorneys and most attorney's don't want prisoners to contact them.

I: Why?

M: Because they they share attorney's addresses with their friends and then they get inundated

I: Right, right. I mean most of them can't afford to hire an attorney anyway, they can't even pay the $10 for our resource guide (Looks like she may cry).

M: (Laughing uncomfortably) I know, its terrible. I'm really sorry.

And the whole time I'm thinking: Aren't you glad to decided to work here for free!

Ha, In Your Face!

Omg, I am soooo happy Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race. In terms of presidents and collateral damage, that guy would have been like Regan & George W combined. Gay people would have been relegated to detention centers, women would have been required to wear skirts or dresses at all times, and I'm sure he would have found a way to override the 13th Amendment. He is so EVIL.

Not only did he make it illegal to be homeless in New York and dance in gay clubs, he turned Manhattan into an exclusive country club for r$ch white people. When I lived in Dumba, we had a large stack of Giuliani is a Jerk bumper stickers and every morning as I walked to work over the Brooklyn Bridge, I would jump up and slap one onto the mayors welcome sign that greets you when you enter Manhattan. And every night when I walked home it was gone! I wonder who's job it was to take down my stickers everyday? Sorry (kind of).

Anyway, I heard that Edwards was good, or whatever, so I guess it's sad that he dropped out. But I think we should let out a collective sigh of relief that the big G wasn't able to ride his 9.11 fame into the White House. I guess Bush has been milking that angle pretty hard for the past few years, so hopefully the Republican's ability to leverage 9.11 has been tapped for awhile.

Who Knew?

That Jerry O'Connell is such a funny dude.



This is a hilarious parody of the Tom Cruise Scientology video I referenced previously. Watch this: http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress

and then watch Jerry's, I promise it will put you in a good mood.

American Style Justice

I almost peed my pants reading my friend's lesbonurse blog about her trials and tribulations at a community health clinic in Western Mass. In fact, she inspired me to record some of the more noteworthy goings on at my organization. Here are two typical conversations I had last Friday:

Conversation 1

Phone rings.

Hello, 9/11 Hotline

Hello, is this the place to call if you've been contacted by the FBI?

Yes, have you been contacted by the FBI?

Yes! Well not directly, but yes, previously directly.

So what is going on now?

The FBI is following me and keeping survallience on me.

But in the past the contacted you directly.

Yes.

And you're looking for an attorney now?

Yes, because they're following me.

What we do here is we find attorneys to speak with people who have been contacted by the FBI due to their religious or political affiliations. The attorney informs people of their rights and speaks with the FBI on your behalf.

Ok.

We find that when the FBI contacts people, they usually leave a card. Has anyone approached you from the FBI and tried to ask you questions?

No, not exactly, but when I came home I could tell they had been here.

I don't think there is anything that we can do for you at this time, but if someone contacts you directly, feel free to give us a call back and I will find an attorney who can help you [said in nicest voice possible to confuse them that I am about to hang up on them].

I will, thanks.

Great, good luck.

Conversation 2

New Intern to me: There is a formerly incarcerated man on the phone who says he is being harassed by the police.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they broke into his house, held a gun to his head and beat him up and they are looking for an attorney.

For what?

To sue the police for breaking into his house and holding a gun to his head.

You can give them the number to a law firm but no one is going to take that case.

New intern looks horrified: Why not?

Because it's practically impossible to get a conviction when the police are caught raping and murdering people on tape. If they just held a gun to his head and didn't kill him or any of his family members then he's lucky.

Intern looks at me like I am a monster.

No, I don't think it's ok they can do whatever they want, you should encourage him to file a complaint, but I'm just telling you, no attorney is going to take that case. We can barely find attorneys to take on really strong cases where innocent people have been killed by the police for no reason because they are so hard to win.

Intern looks sad and lets out big sigh before hitting the hold button on the phone.

The Fairest of Them All

My blog has turned into a place where I can publicly love on my friends and tell the world how great they are on their birthdays. This is good, but what happens when I fall behind and don't celebrate someone on (or even near) their honored day? Well hopefully forgiveness, so here goes...

Although a dubious career move and fiscally ruinous, living in Portland, OR for a year was a great thing for me. I got to shed my New York tough girl skin, kick back with the pine trees, and experience what can happen when all your energy isn't going into fighting for survival with eight million other people.

In Portland, people were so nice I was afraid of them. In New York, when strangers talk to you on the street it's either because they want money or are loco. In PDX, bus drivers tell you to have a great weekend on fridays and it's not because they're hitting on you. It's cause they hope you have a nice fucking weekend. It was totally confusing for me at first, then I began to revel in it.

When I moved into a giant dilapidated house across from the river, I had never met anyone as friendly as my housemate Fairley. Born on Strong Island, but raised in Humboldt County, Fairley talks to everybody. She loves riding the Greyhound bus because of the strangers she meets, and even made a documentary about it. Her parents were back-to-the-land hippies and she was raised up right in the redwoods, donating the proceeds from her lemonade stand to Earth First! when she was only 8 yrs old.

As Capricorns and video artists, we knew we were going to be friends right away and I even had the privilege of editing her senior thesis paper on Anarcha-Feminism. A few summers ago, I went to visit her at her parent's place and got to swim in a dragon fly sanctuary cold water pond on her dad's property while tripping on mushrooms. It was so rad. We've had some rough times over the years, but love each other so much that we decided to live together again when she moved to San Francisco.

Fairley's love of humanity especially extends to old people. She loves them and she is good with them. In fact, she wants to get her MSW with a focus on LGBT elders. Fuck yeah. I am so glad that Fairley will be fighting for the rights of the queers to be radical until our dying day. Oh yeah, and she's easy on the eyes. Happy belated birthday Big F, te queiro mucho hermana.

The Twins

By some strange coincidence, or miracle of fertility drugs, during elementary school there were three sets of twins in my grade: Judy and Jean, Marg and Liz, and lastly, Ashling and Angela. All girls, all fraternal twins. The final pair arrived in the fourth grade but I had been waiting for them a long time.

Ashling and Angela and I first met when we were five years ago and took dance lessons in the same church basement. A framed picture of the three of us performing 'Muskrat Love" in matching rodent costumes stands in a place of pride in their parent's living room. We all look really freaking cute and basically the same as we do now (except for the ears and bushy tails).

Sadly, after our historic performance our dance teacher moved away and no one stepped up to fill the dancing void to the little Catholic girls of Brookline. So I didn't see them again for a very long time. But though I was young, I always remembered my dancing partners, partly because they're twins and partly because Ashling's name has an "ing" on it. So whenever new kids would transfer to my school I would hope it was them. And then one year it was.

We've stayed friends through all the tumultous years and created the pleasurable ritual of spending Christmas together. First, they come over to my mom's x-mas brunch and hang with my loud crazy fam. Then, I journey to Quincy to their folks place, where I enjoy the finest Irish cooking, lovingly prepared by their father, and am no longer mocked for bringing Tofurkey with me. We end the evening by escaping to the movies and it's really the best Christmas has to offer a girl in Boston.

Yesterday, the twins turned 30 and Heath Ledger died. Coincidence? I think so, but one things for certain: we're old as bollix now.

My Fav Gay Cowboy

I'm so sad about Heath Ledger.

Matt Shoe

Yesterday my little brother, Matty, turned 25. I think that means I am officially old since I am the oldest of three and now the youngest is in his mid-20s. That's cool though, cause it's really my parents who are the old ones.

I left for college when Matt was 13, so he kind of remained fixed in my mind as a kid until one year when I called home and didn't recognize his deep voice answering the phone. Then he grew to be over six feet tall and seemed to take pleasure in pushing me around (revenge for all those times I threw blankets over his head when we were younger?), in a playful manner of course.

Our grandfather used to call him "Mattshoo" and so my brother Craig, with his penchant for bizarre nicknames, started calling Matt "Shoe". Matty, or Mr. Shoe as he soon became known (and then Snr. Zapato when I came back from Central America), didn't seem to like it at first but the name stuck. Then he went to work for City Sports and became manager of the Shoe Department and it was clear that he was destined to be linked with foot ware forever.

In addition to the excellent discounts on running shoes, another perk of Matt's job was getting to hear about his hilarious encounters with 80s movie star Val Kilmer. It seems Val was a close personal friend of the store owner and loved to go in and give the ladies a thrill by changing in the middle of the store. Whenever he saw Matt, he called him "Buddy." Awesome.

On Christmas Eve I was driving home from dinner with the family in Natick, when my other brother Craig started going off about how gay people having children is "weird." In response to his request that Matt back up this view, the Shoe replied "Actually, I have a lot of gay friends. I met a lot of people working at City Sports." This was by far one of my favorite comments Matt made during my entire vacation, and I am glad to know that City Sports is such a mecca of diversity in Boston.

But mostly I am glad that my littlest brother has grown up to be such a wonderful person. Whenever I need a ride from the airport at 6am, Matty comes to get me. He was the cutest red-head kid in the world, and judging from his New Years Eve Myspace pictures, does ok for himself with the ladies now. I am excited that he is going back to school and I hope that 25 is a real good year for the Shoe. Happy Birthday Matt.

Fear Him

Tom Cruise brings the crazy with this Scientology promotional video. http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress
It appears he now believes his entire life is a Mission Impossible movie?

Eleza is Cool

Ok, I dropped the ball on this yesterday but I want to celebrate the life and birth of my fellow Capricorn and dear friend Eleza who turned 30 on January 16. Eleza and I have been friends since we were hippy pot smoking youth in high school. We bonded over bongs in cemeteries, many viewings of When Harry Met Sally and singing loudly in the halls of BHS.

Eleza and I were really good at making up songs about ourselves. For example (to the tune of Sweet Home Alabama):

Sweet Home Alabama
Eleza and Laura are really cool!

It just kinda rolls off the tongue doesn't it? I don't know why Lynyrd Skynyrd didn't include that line in the original lyrics. The other magical thing about our connection is that Eleza's little sister, Tamara, has the same birthday as me. It's a really special family. Sadly, I won't be journeying to Western Mass for the big spa weekend, but in my mind Eleza is always naked and lying in the sauna.

The Red Sea

Last month I caught my favorite queer jewcore band, The Shondas, as they were touring through the Bay promoting their their first LP, The Red Sea. The Shondas are bad ass and their guitarist, Ian Brannigan, (a fellow employee at the NLG) totally wails.

Yesterday the Shondas were feature on Spin.com as their band of the day. Go to the site to rate them, the highest rated band of the day each month gets to be "band of the month" and gets featured in Spin Magazine. Vote early, vote often!

The One and Only

My darling friend, Jimmy, who performed another amazing show at Club Unicorn Bread last night, is the current featured employee on the Amoeba blog. He discusses his youth growing up in Alaska, his amazing band, Hundreds of Dismembered Handbags, and his father's love of Metallica.

The Employee Interview Part XIV

Jimmy
2 years Employment
Cashier/Behind the Scenes/All Around Rad Dude

ME: What music was playing around your house when you were a kid?

JR: My parents weren't really into music, but I do remember listening to and watching The Wiz a lot. A LOT! I loved it. In my mom's car, it was the Pointer Sisters. In my dad's car it was talk radio, or Metallica's Black Album, which is really psychotic because my dad is hella Catholic, and it was one of the only albums he owned!

Do you remember the moment when you suddenly really really got into music? What was it that made you GET IT?

As soon as I discovered punk, my life totally changed forever. It wasn't just the music: I began a love affair with extreme politics and aesthetics. It was the high of using art (music, zines) and politics to go somewhere unknown. It's super weird how important music is when you're a teen. Recently, I listened to Patti Smith's Horses again, which I hadn't heard since I was a freshman in high school. I kinda freaked in my head! I remembered listening to this album, thinking I might die like Johnny in the song at any moment and that seemed really normal. Basically everything was so literal then: the music was the same as real life. Anything could happen. ('Cause I was crazy and wasted and only fifteen!)

Yeah, when that intensity of youth starts to die out, it's such a strange feeling because by then you've lived with it for so long. You grew up in Alaska. What was the music scene like in Alaska when you were growing up? What were people into? Did they form bands? What style of music did they play? Were there any venues in Anchorage?

The music scene was very small, only a couple punk bands that would sound like either The Ramones or Crass. (There was an all ages club in Anchorage called, stupidly enough, "Gigs," Bands would sometimes come to Alaska to play and when they did it was a big deal! I mean a total fucking hootenanny!) In high school, I was reading Maximum Rock and Roll religiously so I knew we were way behind the times.

BUT! We were way ahead in terms of personality, and we were punk without being self conscious about it. I thought when I moved away, I would meet all these weird people into alternative lifestyles, but the weirdest and craziest kids I grew up with in Alaska. We did some cool things, like zines and music, but we also did a lot of really bad things! I think you just learn creative ways to entertain yourself, and no, they don't all involve drugs and drinking, but those were very popular activities with us bored Alaskan kids!

How and when did you develop your current (and amazing!) project, 100s of Dismembered Handbags?

I have been super into zines since the moment I laid my hands on one. I did a zine I started in high school, called Hairaffair, which was like the written form of what I do now. But sadly the zine scene died cause of the internet. I'm not a computer nerd so I stopped that shit. A few electronic noise bands were starting in Portland, and I started doing weird little plays to a very simple beat.

At that point in my life, I was really into fashion, and my shows involved extreme costumes that I would make out of weird crap I'd pin together or glue to my face. (Man, I spent so much time on every single costume!) I'd also find the harshest noises on my synthesizer and choreograph dance moves to every single sound. Looking back on it, it was like Wolfeyes meets the Cockettes! I stopped performing when I moved to San Francisco. (It's so hard to survive here!) But now I've been playing again. Right now it's about the story and the people I become. You can't fuck with the narrative! ('Cause it's already fucking with itself.)

What, if anything, is running through your mind as you are performing?

I think about this question a lot because I have really bad stage fright. But I think the answer to this question is changing. Often I experience complete panic that makes me wanna concentrate on not puking. But lately, I've been able to live with the characters a little more. I've been trying to forget myself, which works if I don't make eye contact with anyone who knows me. Sometimes, it just feels so good to be someone else!

I think I would have to just concentrate on not puking too. There's a reason I've never been able to get up and play in my fantasy Fleetwood Mac cover band at Amoebapalooza! So now, what song is guaranteed to get you dancing, every time?

The Monster Mash!!! Sadly, I've only danced to it once in public. It's tragic isn't it? I think Justin Timberlake could learn a thing or two from Bobby Pickett.

Why? Because monsters are SEXY!!!

What is your pick for best release of 2007? (Reissues count!)

Charles Burnett's Killer of Sheep totally rocked my world this year.It's weird because a lot of critics were comparing it Italian Neorealism,and true there is a gritty feeling to it, but to me it was so delicate. It was more of an American Stalker because the camera and the location both become characters in the film. It seems so out of place as an American film, and I really like that about it. I'm glad it made it out of the vaults finally!

What is your favorite thing about working here at Amoeba?

I actually like the registers because of the amazing people that come in from time to time. My first week on the job, this very old woman walks up to my register, and with her hands shaking, passes me a Village People Greatest Hits CD. After I rang her up for it, I asked her if she wanted a bag, and she answered, "Yes, to protect it!" I instantly made like five movies in my head about this old lady in two seconds flat. It was like magic information. It's like you hand people their bag, and then they go into their own special universe that we can only try and imagine.

So Hot

I have it on very good authority that Ciara and Missy Elliot are an item.


Music Videos - Like a Boy

You Don't Need a Weatherman

to know which way the wind blows.



I love this old school music video. I saw the Todd Haynes Dylan biopic, I'm Not There, which I enjoyed. Cate Blanchett makes one hot tranny.

How We Roll

My favorite anti-male hate riot...

Monday, January 7, 2008 (SF Chronicle)
'Dykes on Bikes' trademark survives Dublin lawyer's challenge
Bob Egelko, Chronicle Staff Writer


(01-07) 12:39 PST WASHINGTON - The U.S. Supreme Court turned away a lawyer's challenge today to a San Francisco motorcycle club's trademark of the name "Dykes on Bikes" for the contingent that leads the annual Gay Pride parade.

Michael McDermott, a Dublin attorney, disputed a January 2006 decision by the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to grant the San Francisco Women's Motorcycle Contingent exclusive legal rights to the name it has used for more than three decades.

The office initially rejected the organization's 2003 trademark application - saying the word "dykes" was disparaging to lesbians - but approved it after considering additional evidence. McDermott said the trademark should have been denied because it was disparaging to men and was "scandalous and immoral."

Without addressing those claims, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit, which rules on patent and trademark issues, dismissed his case in July, saying he could not show that he would be harmed by the designation.

To have legal standing to oppose a trademark, McDermott needed "a reasonable basis for a belief that he would be damaged by its registration," the court said. "The registration of the proposed mark would have no implications for a man."

The Supreme Court denied review of McDermott's appeal today without comment. Asked about the court's action, McDermott replied with an e-mail describing the motorcycle procession as an "anti-male hate riot" but did not comment on the ruling.

The case is McDermott vs. San Francisco Women's Motorcycle Contingent, 07-7126.

30 is the new 30

This weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday with a triumvirate of revelry. First, I dined at Millennium, the gourmet vegan restaurant in downtown S.F. with my roomies and friends. Two storms rocked the Bay Area all day long, pelting us with heavy rain, blowing over trucks on the Bay Bridge, and causing power outages all over. Although the night was calm and clear, most people were scared away by the force of the storm and declined to come out for drinks that Pilsner. I just told them it was the universe representing my power.

However, some good people did show up and one of them told me that 30 is the new 30. I totally agree. According to Jay-Z 30's the new 20 but I think that's a load of garbage. I am way wiser than I was when I turned 20 and I'm not going to front, I don't have as much energy for partying as I used to. However, my taste for drama and willingness to engage in it has also diminished so I think it all evens out. My 30s are going to be about quality not quantity.

The next morning a group of us headed up North to Wilbur Hot Springs. I had never been to a geothermal hot springs before and parading around naked in public and cleansing myself in healing waters seemed like an appropriate passage into adulthood. Wilbur's slogan is "In all the world, no waters like these" and that may be true. The creek that the springs comes from smells like stinky sulfur and the water looks like green eggs and ham. Even thought I've taken numerous showers and washed my hair, I still stink. However, it was the most fun and I did feel rejuvenated from the sweating and soaking. We were required to pad around in bathrobes and sandals but it was ok because our bunk room was warm and cozy.

The only thing about Wilbur is that you have to be quiet and I am not a quiet person, nor do I keep quiet company. My friend Corey ended up getting wasted and shouting "fuck" several times over a heated game of Hearts. However, we charmed the other guests with our lesbionic ways. One of them even asked if we were part of a team because we worked so well together in the communal kitchen (sisterhood is powerful). Erika told them that "no, but we all play for the same team". Then on the drive home, we saw the most vibrant double rainbow any of us has ever seen. It was awesome.

Dirty 30s

(To the left: the Italian guy with the crazy 70s stash and the pretty lady are my parents. The big headed creature is me. Only nine months old and already looking skeptical.)

Today is my 30th birthday. It's weird to write that, but it's true. Starting at about age 27 I was freaking out about getting older, but now that my 20s are over there's nothing to do but accept it. I feel grateful that I have made it this far and have so much love in my life and great memories to show for it all. My feminist vow for my 30s is to try to not freak out about gray hair and wrinkles as much as possible.

Last Day

Today is the last day of my 20s. Good bye 20s, you were good to me but we had a lot of ups and downs. I am excited to turn 30 tomorrow. I disagree with Jay-Z that 30 is the new 20 but I am down with the idea that 40 is the new 30. Capricorns are like wine, we get better with age so I am looking forward to being firmly rooted in adulthood.

Happy New Year!

According to my favorite online astrologer, Susan Miller, 2008 is going to be a great one for Capricorns thanks to Jupiter, the planet of happiness and good fortune, moving into my chart for an entire year. To get your horoscope for the month click here.