2nd Person, Personal

You have been sick with a flu/head cold thing for over a week, but are also broke as a joke, so when the school calls asking you to sub as a gym teacher, you don't say no. Ask what you should wear, and when she says "something casual" put on a green hoodie and black yoga pants. When you get to the school, discover that the other gym teacher is wearing a red, white, and blue track suit. That's ok, it's to be expected.

The first class is kindergarden and you are struck as how tiny, unique, and adorable each child is. Wonder how the hell you've gotten by everyday without such authentic and sincere creatures in your life. Vow to babysit more. To Invest in Children. Some of them whisper so low you can't hear their names, but look them in the eyes and say hi anyway. When they smile, feel fulfilled. Believe that you have just discovered your true calling. Know that you love children and always will. How could you not? They run to sit next to you in the circle, grab your hands when they want your attention, and unselfconsciously hump each other during games. Feel assured of the goodness and beauty of life.

Don't be alarmed when the rest of the day does not go as smoothly as the first block. When a 1st grader asks "Are you a girl?" forgive yourself for replying "Are you?" It's ok to walk away smugly when she looks confused and nods yes. It's also ok for the other gym teacher to overhear the interaction. Cope with the situation by sending out a text message to your friends from the bathroom telling them that you are a lesbian gym teacher for the day. Wait for positive reinforcement to pour in from outside. It will.

Ponder how life takes people in strange directions after you try to convince an 8th grade girl to shoot hoops instead of standing around. Become angry at how much processed sugar is fed to children when the class immediately following lunch is a pack of monsters. Blow a whistle and remind everyone to stay WITHIN THE GREEN LINES! Become overwhelmed when they all rush at you at once and ask to use the bathroom. Deny them all permission to use the water fountain. Feel that they are all a bunch of lazy little slackers. Decide that you were being cruel and allow the next class to get many drinks. Try not to feel personally responsible when a 3rd grader comes back with her head soaking wet. Convince yourself this will not reflect poorly on you. Rationalize that you can't be in all places at all times.

Feel happy when you discover that you went to high school with one of the teachers. Feel in your heart she is also a lesbo. Pray that she won't remember you wearing yoga pants the next time she sees you out. Pray for the day to end quickly. Feel the seconds dragging like minutes and the hours like years. Become disorientated when it is actually time to leave. Write a nice note and leave your number in case they ever need anyone in the future. Wonder at what you will do for money. Feel that you simultaneously never want to leave and can't escape fast enough. Wait until you drive to Whole Foods before changing out of your yoga pants in the car. Getting arrested for indecent exposure on school grounds will surely sink your new career. Lock your keys in the car and call your mom. When she arrives, convince her to buy a free range turkey for Thanksgiving. Then have her buy you hundreds of dollars worth of organic fake meat products. Drive home and collapse into bed.