Last Night

I woke up disoriented at 5:30am having a panic attack to find myself lying horizontally across my mattress. Finn used to wake me up to feed him between 5 and 6am by gently biting my hands or pressing his claws into my flesh in a slow and deliberate manner.

There was no one to feed or cuddle, so instead I peed, took an ativan and wrote in my journal for awhile. I also felt relief for having awoken from my bad dream (which I can no longer remember), but disturbed I had worked myself and my sheets into such a state.

I leave San Francisco in two days and the stress is getting to me.

Happy Trans Pride!

HU-FING-RAY!

Today is my last full day of work. Tomorrow my office going away party begins at 2pm and then we put on our finest and go the Trans March at Dolores Park (intern Alicia is doing intern Peter's make-up--so cute!). I foresee it as a great gay way to go out. Also, the new dude they hired is queer too, so I'm happy about that, keep it in the family.

To celebrate the end of work and the beginning of pride and a summer of fun, an amazing video for you all:

Mourning

Many of you know that I've been wanting to shave my head since Tucker died. I wanted to grow my hair long and cut it off and leave it at her grave.
My inspiration was the scene in Willow, where Willow's wife gives him her braid before he leaves for the great adventure. The image of her beautiful red braid made a strong impression on me.
I planned on shaving my head when I returned to the Bay Area in August. However, Finn's death prompted me to take immediate action and mingle my hair with his on the bathroom floor.

Job stood up, tore his robe in grief, and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground and worshiped. Job 1:20

For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered. 1 Corinthians 11:6

Many thanks to Erika and Andy who provided moral support, buzzing assistance and documented the cathartic process.

My Bum Bum

My beloved cat Finn died unexpectedly last week. We don't know exactly what happened, just that he went missing on Wednesday night and then Julie found his body Thursday morning underneath a neighbors van. Ethan had to crawl under and pull him out while I was wailing on the sidewalk like a banshee.

I loved him so much, he was a fierce cuddle monster who taught me a lot about love, boundaries, personal space and asserting oneself.


it's lonely without him. No one greets me at the door or massages my stomach making biscuits and drolling on me at night. There is no reason to rush home or look forward to getting off work at an unusual hour to surprise him. I miss my baby, 69 B is not the same without him.

Is Gay Marriage Feminist?

I don't think so, but these NYTimes pictures are awesome and hilarious!



the hipster gays want to get married too!


will someone make me sugar-free gay cupcakes for my next bday?

It's Like This...

This past weekend was one of the best ever. It was really f*ing fun and has inspired me to write a gratitude list. Of course, this inspires my neurotic mind to generate a list of stresses of equal length.

The blessings:

-shopping sprees with my friend, tory, who's visiting from pdx and just happens to have dope style and gives crucial fashion advice.

-super fun going away party at aileen's apartment with decorations and a clean up crew included! THANKS FRIENDS!


-tory and i getting dressed up in our finest butch/femme gear and discovering an open bar and wine at the tables at the wedding reception.

-8 days of work left!!!

-getting to go to grad school

-my future cross country adventures. i can hear the open road calling my name, it sounds like "freedom!"

-pride: the parties, community, films and revelry

The challenges:

-being seated at a table and having to converse with corporate sell outs who are touchy about it at the wedding reception.

-psychic reading where they told me about lots of abuse inflicted upon me and by me in past lives. i concluded that if i am going to continue to believe in reincarnation then i am going to have to accept the fact that i probs haven't existed for thousands of years without inflicting any harm. not to be cavalier, but as i said to tory when we left that place "somebody had to be hitler."

-8 days of work left to get everything done!

-driving alone cross country sounds lonely and scary...WHAT IF I BREAK DOWN IN THE DAKOTAS?!?

-leaving, having to say good-bye

-pride: the stress, drama, crises and hangovers


The truth:

-they are all blessings and i'm going to be just fine.

John McCain: 10,000 Years

Gay of the Day: James Taylor

I sweat Jimmy pretty hard so I've already talked about him a bunch on the ol' blog (and posted his latest video a few days ago). How he's a genius, how his band/performance under the moniker "Hundreds of Dismembered Handbags" rules.

But indulge me for a few minutes more, cause heres the really real deal: Jimmy is an authentic human being and as such is a gift from the universe. Next to my brother Matty, he's my favorite ginger haired tosser with a heart of gold. I love him and I'm so grateful for his existence. Now you can know why...

how do you know the weasel?
Through Tucker. We became friends when we all lived in Portland.

where did you grow up and where do you live now?
Anchorage, AK. Now I live in San Francisco, CA

where/what did you study(college)?
English was my degree at Reed. But I was a theory geek. Big time. Lacan, Deleuze, Baudrillard, and many other post-structuralist took over my life.

I also took film classes at City College, which totally changed my life in so many ways that it's futile to try to talk about it here. Take intro film production at City right now! Okay?

what do you do for $$$?
I work at a record store. I need to get a new job!

what do you do for art?
I do performance art (but not stupid) that is narrative. I make movies too and do a lot of video
stuff. It's all narrative: I fuck around with the structure though. Basically I am interested in people that aren't considered desirable by our society and all their secrets they never get to share. But in my world, they make their private world public. It's all very confessional. AND they are working customer service jobs. Uh, I'm not feeling articulate today...

what do you make for lunch?
Beans and rice is the usual. But now I'm making your sandwich, only slightly modified. Hummus, spinach, tofurkey, cucumbers, and a cup of dehydrated split pea soup.

who are your biggest influences?
AH. I have too many! Artistically, I like later Ingmar Bergman, like "The Hour of the Wolf" and "The Passion of Anna." I also like Godard after he left the film industry: I guess I like a lot of Euro 70s radical art films. But I also love Classic Hollywood films. You know what movie rules that I saw last week? Lubitsch's "To Be or Not To Be." Watch that movie!

A year ago, I finally realized what album was most important to me and was indeed my favorite. It's EVOL by Sonic Youth! It feels so good to be able to just put your foot down and say this is my favorite of all time. Bam. That's it!

what inspires you?
People's faces. Sometimes I go for weeks without seeing an interesting face, but when I do, I can almost write a complete script.

what do you like about performance?
When it's over, and I'm at home relaxing.

about film?
It's a bunch of records of things that really happened and it lasts forever. (I realized how magical this quality is after Tucker died.) I also like that I can share it with people all over the world, and now with youtube and DVDs, it's not as elitist. I can just set up my camera in my room, and then the whole world can see what it's like to be me. Isn't that fucking amazing!

where do you see yourself in 10 years?
With health insurance. Living in a cabin in Alaska. Making movies. Watching movies.

what would you do if you were fully funded, like by God (he's got deep pockets)?
Well, my biggest dream is too shoot a feature in black and white 35mm. It would be shot in Anchorage and be about a gay vampire that works at the Arctic Road Runner (it's super rad burger joint, but I think they're really religious!). It would totally reference Universal horror movies from the 30s, and the lighting would be as good as any Dreyer film, let me tell you!

If I had a lot of money, I would do something political too. Like evict all the white yuppie people from SF and have the people that were displaced interview them as they pack up their shit.

is it important that people understand your work or interpret it as you intended?
No. Once I open my mouth, it's not really mine anymore. (But I also don't like those artist who won't say anything about their work!!) I do have a point I'm trying to argue with every piece, but I'm not master of the fucking universe.

Thanks for interviewing me Mel! I feel so much more focused!

You can learn more about the bay area's beloved James Taylor at: http://www.myspace.com/100sofdismemberedhandbags

Breaking Down

Stress lowers the immune system and as a result of my impending move, I have succumbed to several illnesses. In addition to my old standbys, depression and anxiety (both of which have been in full effect), I also had an incredibly itchy rash on my left arm, right hand and the left side of my trunk. I like it when people refer to the torso as a "trunk", it makes me feel like a tree.

But I don't like when my yoga teacher makes us do sit-ups and calls them "core strengtheners." She's not fooling me and I don't care how 90's it sounds, they are sit ups. Even if we are all reaching towards a big mural of the elephant head god Ganesh, the Remover of Obstacles (he's so dope).

Anyway, for those of you following my recent health crises, the rash turned out to be poison oak, not scabies, bed bugs, shingles or flea bites. Thanks for all the suggestions though.

A description of what has been going on in my mouth is not fit for public consumption. However, when my vicodin supply ran out I finally accepted the truth and took myself to the dentist. The experience reaffirmed my opinion that dentists are sadists who enjoy robbing you blind, but lesbians have stolen all our safer sex accoutrement from that latex loving profession, so I will try not to hate on them too hard.

A new acupuncture clinic, SF Community Acupuncture, opened up around the corner from my house and they are the best deal in town! I had my first visit on Saturday and am healing rapidly thanks to the magic of some tiny needles and foul tasting Chinese herbs. Thank the goddess there are people who want to provide affordable alternative medicine, it freaking works!

America's Next Top Hand Model

The Hand Model



The latest from Jimmy Robeson of Hundreds of Dismembered Handbags.

Room with a View

For the last 30 min since I came back from lunch, I have been distracted by a scene taking place outside my office window on Capp Street. A white police officer started questioning the driver of a big truck double parked on the street. The driver gets get of the cab, she is middle-age Latina holding a baby in her arms. After a few minutes, a Latino man appears to stand next to her on the sidewalk.

From the back of the truck, it appears they are scavengers who recycle cardboard. The police learns they do not have a license or papers and I hear the detained man say "lo siento."

The first cop calls for back up and another white cops cop pulls up on a motorcycle. I walk around and tell all the attorneys in the building what is happening but everyone is busy. I go back to my window and continue to watch with my intern. Eventually the couple walk off, and the police stay behind with their truck. Now I am watching the old yellow Datsun getting towed away...

God F-ing Bless America.

A Good Day

to be an American! How often do I say that? Never. But tonight, Obama claimed the Democratic nomination--HURAAY!!!! This gives me hope, all the people who love and support his candidacy give me hope, that we are on a trajectory away from the inane madness of Bush.

An article in the New York Times magazine on Tyra Banks reported that her demographic is women 18-35 of diverse racial groups (interestingly enough, she was quoted as saying she believes she was put on earth to raise young women's self esteem--hmmm). However, according to the demographic analysis people, the generation below that is even more "color blind" and totes loves Tyra too. So she is totally set to become the new Oprah.

Anyway, I don't believe in color blindness, because although race is a construct, racism is real and has tangible effects. But I do think this country is ready for an INTELLIGENT president, and as of tonight, Barak is our man!!! I hope that he and Hill can work out their differences because I think they would be a winning ticket!

Oh, change in my lifetime feels so good.

All You Need Is Amor Cubano

Maceo and I go way back...to nights spent in long collective meetings on the dirty floor of a fledgling queer activist space on the Lower East Side. I never would have thought that eight years later our writer/activists souls we be reunited on the Left Coast...but here we are.

An amazing artist and friend, Maceo invited to be part of the writing group that was instrumental in helping me develop my grad school writing sample. Her honesty and bravery inspire me to stay true to my values as a lover and fighter for freedom everyday. I truly value her existence on the planet and presence in my life.

how do you know the artist formerly known as laura campagna?
I met the artist formerly known as laura campagna at Bluestockings several years ago when it was still a women’s bookstore. We were both volunteers and then I became staff and she was one of my bosses. There was drama, never between Mel and me but inevitable drama that would happen in a women’s collective. Luckily we are still friends.

where are you from and where do you live now?
I was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY but if I had it my way I would have been born in Victoria de la tunas, Cuba like my brothers. I now live in Oakland by Lake Merritt.

what do you do for work ($$)?
I have multiple jobs. I am a playwright/writer/actor who sometimes gets paid for that. I am a full time nanny. I help raise three toddlers. I am also an apartment manager. I am also a good friend which is also a job but I don’t charge for that one.

what do you do for art/love?
My love right now is my play Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet. I wrote and produced it last year, 2007. I am in the process of working the business aspect of it and writing the Barbarita Show: The Amor Cubano Prequel/Sequel

for those who haven't seen amor cubano, what is the story/idea?
Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet, is a multimedia theater performance, takes you into the world of Barbarita Perales- creator of Amor Cubano, the only product that puts the essence of all that's Cuban in a bottle, a tube and a small packet and sells it on an infomercial. Amor Cubano is so powerful it can make Berkeley people have bed-breaking sex, stop cops from shutting down the immigrant rights rally and make your Castro-hating Cuban mom wise up. But can it bring Barbarita's son home from Iraq? Is it powerful enough to end the war and stop Homeland Security from deporting Barbarita? Amor Cubano: in a bottle, a tube and a small packet, a hilarious mediation on what it means to be Cuban, and a prayer to end war in our time.

what inspires you?
Creation, music, laughter, light, love, people who take risks, knowing that change is possible.

how do you strike a balance between politics/the terrible reality of the world and hope/faith in your work?
As an artist that comes from a social justice background my work must be political. I couldn’t have it any other way. But I am also a spiritual/religious person and that aspect of myself must also be in my work. I come from a pretty religious family and my mami taught me that the best way to practice my religion was to help and be good to others. Change is possible and it starts with the individual. If we don’t love ourselves, if we don’t take care of ourselves we can’t do the same for others.

I am a very complex person and I honor my complexities. I bring those complexities into my work, that is the only way I can strike balance in my work and my life.

why is radical community important to you?
I need visionaries in my life to push me to see beyond the limits.

what do you think are the biggest issues facing humanity right now?
That we struggle with love, that there are people that still go hungry, that war still seems like an answer and that we struggle with fully honoring that we are spiritual beings.

algo mas?
I’m going to miss you.

AMOR CUBANO: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet.
Written and performed by Maceo Cabrera Estévez
Directed by Eric Avilés

With live and video performances by: Elliot "Toby" Borrero, Christy Beavers, Oscar Trujillo, Randall Babtkis, Carolyn Cooke, Mekael Johnson, Micaela Diaz-Sanchez, Rosa Gonzalez, Brendon DeMay, Cynthia Renta, Leilani Nisperos, Leydisvel Freire Peña, Salam Hassan, Amos Glick, Eric Avilés and Gonzalo Cabrera.

In November, 2007 the full length production of Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet was part of the Hecho en Califas Festival at La Peña Cultural Center was also performed in the Mission Cultural Center for Latino Arts in San Francisco, CA. Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet took the Bay Area by storm by showing that not only Amor Cubano can make your arthritis go away and beat the effects of Viagra it also caused thousands of US soldiers to drop their arms ending the war in Iraq.

Maceo Cabrera Estévez in her writing and performance shows not only the complexities of being Cuban but also the complexities of living in the United States. She intertwines consumerism, capitalism, spirituality love, laughter, tears and Caribbean sense of humor to entertain her audience but all give the message that love always wins. Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet was Eric Aviles' directorial debut. He pushed Maceo not only to play Barbarita Perales but also Emma Goldberg, an older Jewish communist who knew about Amor Cubano before it was packaged, Lt. Caridad Lourdes Rodriguez, a former US soldier who gives testimony on the crimes in the war and her reasons for dropping her arms and Bob Buchannan a Texan supporter of Barbarita who wants to use her status to build CheMarts in Cuba. Eric Avilés also worked in the development the testimonies and news briefings on the effects of Amor Cubano with actors such as Rosa Gonzalez of HeadRush and people of the artist and activist community who wanted to be part of Amor Cubano.

Commemorating the five years anniversary on the war in Iraq, Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet had its first weekend run at La Peña Cultural Center, March 27-29, 2008. Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet plans to tour till November, 2008 across the United States. This play has live and video subtitles in English and Spanish with a little bit of Arabic.

For more info: www.amorcubano.org or www.myspace.com/amorcubano