Weasel's Got a Gun

This weekend my friend Ruthie was in town from NYC, I had cleared my schedule to hang out with her but she was being kind of cagey about plans. It wasn't until I was at brunch with her and our high school friend Zev, that they revealed their true plans for the day: to go to a gun range.

Zev and I go way back...to the winter nights of my youth, when I got high and fell in snow banks and he walked around without a coat saying it was "mind over matter". He was even inspired to make up a song to the tune of Pearl Jam's Evenflow about me:

Laura's stoned
thoughts arrive like butterflies
She don't know
So she chases them away...

and falls in a snow bank.

Zev and I are pretty different now. He served in the Isreali military (I like to refer to him as the "Isreali solider" for Bay Area shock value), tried to join the F.B.I., and was recently recruited by a right wing think tank. It's scary cause he's brilliant. But he also shares a love of travel and hiking and is a really sweet caring person. Also he is probably the best listener of the male persuasion I have ever met. So anyways, sometimes we hang.

Ruthie and Zev both rightly assumed that I would not want to go to the gun range. I am a pacifist, hate guns and violence, and won't even watch scary movies. However, a few weeks before she died, my dear friend Tucker went to a shooting range for her brother's birthday party. She was in a bad mood about it and did not want to go, but once there she discovered a hidden talent: she was a crackerjack shot. No one should ever underestimate the motivational power of competitiveness, even with a dead person, because I decided that I would like to know if I am also a natural. Also, I am a pacifist and it occurred to me that I should know what I am against.

So I went with them. We made lots of jokes along the way, I quoted Wayne's World endlessly: "I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns, which would necissitate a gun rack!" But then we got there and Zev said "Ok, the jokes stop." And I realized that we were up to serious business. So then I had a panic attack.

Teen-age boys worked at the front desk and gave me and Ruthie a lady gun to shoot, so we wouldn't learn bad habits, since neither of us had ever shot before. Zev got a glock and once we were comfortable shooting the lady gun, which didn't have much kick-back, he let us shoot his glock, which was fucking crazy.

Some things that surprised me which probably shouldn't have:

1. It was busy: If you are like me and assume that a very small percentage of people want to spend their Saturday afternoon firing a gun at a large piece of paper in a smoky room with lead warning signs everywhere you are wrong! People love to do this, they drive from far away and wait for 20 minutes for a "lane" cause it's such a popular activity.

2. Couples on dates: nothings says 'I want to get to know you more' than not shooting someone in the foot.

3. IT WAS LOUD: You have to wear goggles and ear protection. You can't hear shit and it's like being underwater, only less fun because you really want to hear what people are saying when they have guns in their hands.

4. It was located near San Quentin Prison: I wish this part wasn't true, but it totally is.

The things I saw that didn't surprised me at all were men using guns to make other men feel stupid and embarrassed for feeling fear. Also, men shooting guns the size of small cannons which made bullet holes the size of golf balls

My lower back was spasming by the time I walked out and I found the whole experience...rather violent. Afterwards, I immediately had to do yoga in the parking lot which made Ruthie and Zev laugh at me. I feel slightly dirty now, like a lost an innocent part of myself, but Zev was a really good teacher. Now if I am ever faced with a gun, I know that that if I shoot it, there is a 15% chance I will hit anything near my target.