Why?

Note: I have decided to start blogging about my 12 step ruminations. I don't think this is a break of anonymity because I'm not going to talk about any particular program, just the concepts.

The 12 step programs of recovery have many acronyms, slogans and adages, much like Antioch College, the U.N., and the National Lawyers Guild, to name just a few of the other complex systems I have tried to comprehend in my short lifetime. One good one is: come or be dragged. Hell ya. It took me 28 years and the death of my best friend to hit a bottom with drugs, food and alcohol, so I am hoping to come along with less resistance for the rest of my recovery. Only time will tell, one day at a time (another slogan!).

Another one of my favorites is: ceased fighting anyone or anything. Ever see that Simpson's episode where Lisa tries to help Bart calm his mind so he can win a mini golf tournament? She makes him meditate and asks him riddles like "If a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?" Upon hearing this mental conundrum, Bart's eyes become huge and his pupils dilate and it seems as if his mind is still for the first time in his life. That's what it was like for me the first time I heard the ceased fighting saying. The idea of not fighting anyone or anything was such a relief, I nearly slithered out of my chair and collapsed into a pile of jelly on the floor.

For a large part of my life I enjoyed fighting. In fact, as a feminist, I prided myself on being comfortable with confrontation and being aggressive. In my early twenties, I even wore a maroon t-shirt that said "Girl Militia" on it and had a picture of a naked woman shaking her fists in rage. However, I had never tried speaking my mind without the safe retreat into my addiction to fall back on. Being able to numb out with my substance of choice turned out to be key in my ability to tell everyone to fuck off (who knew?). Now when my boss is talking crazy talk and I'm feeling annoyed and planning a witty and cruel retort in my head, that slogan comes to mind and I just "detach with love". It's so easy! No, it's not, but it is a lot less aggravation and wasted energy.

My passion for social justice and keen sense of righteousness leads to me to be quite concerned with the state of the world and incessantly come up with ways to fix things. However, as an addict, fighting is not something I can afford to do. My priority for each day must be to abstain from my addiction and spiritual growth. I have been trying to retrain myself to think about my life not as a finite amount of time in which I need to accomplish as much as possible. No, rather, I must now concern myself with living simply, humbly, and growing along spiritual lines.

Wanting to prove that I am as good or better than all the rich jerks I grew up with? Cross that off the list of things to do before I die. Ditto for writing the great American novel (about left wing radical lesbians). Making more money than my parents should no longer factor into my decisions about the future. And I should definitely forget about being more successful than my siblings.

This all leads me to feel sorry for myself that I'm in a 12 step program that forces me to reorganize my life in a sane manner and abandon my superficial goals. The good news is they have a saying for that too: ask your higher power for what you need, not want you want. You know what I thought the first time I heard that one? Fuck you. Did I mention that self-pity and resentment are two of the biggest "character defects" for addicts?

Another saying that annoys the crap out of me is: 'why' is not a spiritual question. What the hell does that mean? I used to turn my head to the sky and shout "Why?" 50 times a day. Now I wonder why and then I think "that's not a spiritual question." I don't fully understand, but I think it has something to do with learning to go with the flow. Something. But, because this is a process, I am going to share some of the things that still make me ask "Why?!?" on a daily basis:

1. My cat leaves little turds around the apartment. All the vet techs I have talked to say they have never heard of such behavior. It's a weird, gross, mystery WHY he does it.

2. My cat was neutered but continues to try to hump things, including me, especially when he is kneading and drooling all over me.

3. My boss makes bad jokes that no one laughs at and causes awkward silences in the office.

4. People leave large piles of poop on my street, that either come from their butts or that of their animals.

5. Another genocide?

6. Why are stupid/greedy/morally bankrupt people in charge of running my country and the world?

When greeted with any of these things, and I realize two involve poo, I ask God: why is this happening? What is the purpose in the larger scheme of things and my life in particular? Why is it necessary for me to experience this unpleasantness right now? And what is the benefit to humanity, if any? I have not gotten any answers, maybe because they are not spiritual questions, but I will let you all know when I do.

P.S. I am making an appointment with a psychic so we can ask Finn why he is pooing all over the house. So perhaps I will get a spiritual answer to my non-spiritual question?