Don't Text While Drunk

I have a non-traditional office environment. My boss is just two years older than me, we're both gay and sometimes we treat each other more like siblings than co-workers. This has it's pros and cons. Consider the text message I received from him last night, upon emerging from a work event that he did not attend:

Him: Fuck the pigs!

Me: What happened? (Note: I worry easily and immediately assume he has been the victim of a hate crime.)

Him: Nuthin I just dont like those pigs.

Me: (relieved and now angry) Don't text me when you are drunk anymore.

I Want to Hold Your Hand

Why does the lesbian cheerleader thing never get old, I wonder?

Bringing Sexy Back

Urban Dictionary is often racist, but the concept is good: what are the youth talking about and how can we understand them? The following are code words and phrases that my friends and I hope to popularize (yes, I know we are no longer youth).

Why would we need to speak in code as friends? Because somethings are so painful, we can't bear to say the actual words, but need our friends to know.

Batik Pantsuit: When you think your hair looks good, but really you look like an aging lesbian attempting to be hip.

A: What do you think of my new haircut?

B: Honestly? Batik Pantsuit.

Purple Peacock: When your friend uhauls it with someone and you think they could do much better. Used for emergency situations and well in advance of gay weddings. The beauty of this is that you don't even have to say the words, you can just draw a picture.

A: Guess what? Jess and I are talking about moving in together!

B: Oh my god. Purple peacock! Purple peacock! Purple peacock!

Booty Hound: When you are so crazy for the booty that you will chase it far and wide (e.g. flying across the country for a long weekend).

Ass Clown: When you are so crazy for the booty that you make an ass of yourself.

A: Did you see her trying to get up on Natalie at the party last night?

B: Yeah, what an ass clown.

Wellness Tea

Everyone is getting sick! My housemate Ethan can only speak in a whisper right now. How the hell am I supposed to get my processing done with someone who can't talk? Fuck this cold and flu season I say. This is how I keep the germs at bay:

Wellness Tea

A lot of ginger root, fresh, not whithered
Cut into small pieces
Cover in a big pot of water
Bring to boil and then let simmer for at least 40 min
Turn off heat
Add honey, as much as you like
Squeeze in a bunch of lemons

Its so spicy!

This shit is good and if you make a batch and drink it at the first sign of a cold and then get a good nights sleep, it can save the day.

It's True

Last night at the Valentine's Day Can Fuck Off Bake Off my hot date Jimmy and I were recounting how last month someone thought we were a straight couple on the street. Everyone got a good laugh and we wondered what would happen on our walk home that evening. Well this is what happened...

Jimmy and Mel pass by crowd of teen-agers hanging out in front of Valencia Gardens. Mel is wearing a tie and bomber jacket, Jimmy is has a red and white striped shirt on and a 70s denim coat.

"HE'S GAY, SHE'S GAY!" Shouts one of the teen-agers.

I turned to look at them "It's true."

At least the teen-agers of San Francisco know what's up.

Things I Love

It's Valentine's Day and while I don't love Eve Ensler, I am glad that she revisioned the consumerist holiday to have something to do with vaginas. Here is a shameful secret: I have never seen the Vagina Monologues. I think I read part of them once in college, but I have never sat in an audience and watched women shout about their vaginas from stage. I don't know where I went wrong in my feminism, but somewhere the 3rd wave failed me. Because love is good and should be celebrated, I would like to share some things I am grateful for today.

The Top 10 Things I Love on Vday:

1. Finn, my cat. Ok, you all saw this one coming but seriously, he is one cute little meow! Have you ever seen such a bushy tail in your life? I love him so much. Even when he attacks me or refuses to sleep on my bed, because the eventual cuddle times more than make up for it. And no, we aren't in an abusive relationship.
2. I love my friends. I feel really blessed to have so many people I love in my life. Even though it makes me sad to live so far away from most of you.
3. I love Led Zepplin. I totally do. My love for them has lasted past high school and being a pot head, so I think it's true love.
   
4. I love San Francisco. It's so beautiful here right now, every morning I walk to work and get to look at a green and lush Bernal Hill. It messes with my head that I live someplace that is alive during the winter but dead and scorched in the summer but I praise the sun god everyday he shows his face during these months.
   
5. I love my apartment. I don't have a lot of love for my landlord and I wish we had a real living room, but my housemates are the best. It took 3 years, but the perfect combo of people was worth waiting for.
6. I love that I can listen to my ipod at work. Sometimes Carlos and I battle for control of the speakers, but if I get here first in the morning I get to listen to my music all day long. It rules.
   
7. I love to travel. I don't know where or when I will get into grad school, but when I do I am so quitting my job and traveling for as long as possible. I hope to take another road trip and am so excited!
   
8. I love Boston accents. The classism of Brookline was so intense that I made sure never to imitate my parents accents as a kid. In fact, my brothers and I would mock my mom and dad for the way they talk. But now, when I talk on the phone to my mom, my heart melts everytime she says "cah".
9. I love being a secret hippy. I love yoga, the goddess, organic food, being vegetarian and earth friendly products. And I love other people who share my love for these things but also like to wear black alot.
10. I love dancing. Especially to hip hop. And I don't do it enough.
    

On Such A Winter's Day

My friend Jimmy is a poet. Well he self describes as a performance artist/musician but every time he opens his mouth, poetry spills forth. Here is a quote from his piece about America's Next Top Hand Model:

I want millions of babies to fall out of my vagina,
like skittles from the rainbow.

That's art right there. Along with the skittles, another concept Jimmy explored as his last show has been haunting me: What do you dream about when you live in California?

One night, during my drinking days, Ethan and I got really wasted and went to the Cafe. There was a big long line so I tried to blend into a crowd of men and women reentering. They all had stamps on their hands and I didn't, so they stopped me.

"But you're letting all the straight people in for free!" I shouted (I had no idea the true sexual identity of the people in the group). "Isn't this supposed to be a gay bar?"

Because I was making a big fuss, they put me at the front of the line and demanded to see my ID. Then they started patting me down. I didn't know this had become standard practice for Hip Hop night (yes I was belligerently drunk in public on a Monday), so I became irate. "What are you doing? Checking for all my guns?"

The bouncer glared at me and as he gave back my Massachusetts license said loudly:
"She's from Boston, this is what they're all like there."

Not one to take hometown insults lying down I said "Yeah, but now I live in California, land of dreams!" and scampered up the stairs.

I was sipping a Malibu and pineapple indignantly when Ethan found me. "Can you believe how mean the people at the door are?"

"You are so badly behaved!" Was all he would say. At the time, I couldn't believe he took their side.

But it's a real issue, because when I was little I lived in Boston and dreamed of moving to California, where it would be warm and sunny all the time. But when I finally got to San Francisco, I found it terribly cold and gray in the summer. I've lived here for four years and am a little afraid to find myself dreaming of grad school.

It Shows Exactly How Awesome You Are

I don't understand and for once I don't have any words...

From http://consumerist.com/355045/this-hooters-credit-card-is-for-winners-only

This Hooters Credit Card Is For Winners Only

Here's a great credit card that will allow you to express how awesome you are at a variable APR between 7.75% and 26.95%. Yes, kids, it's the Hooters MasterCard, and according to their website, it's been "rated #1 by some fake award."

Here are some highlights from the FAQ:

Q: Do I get a discount at Hooters with my Hooters MasterCard?
A: No, not at this time, but look for special offers with your monthly statement.

Q: Can a Hooters MasterCard only be used for Hooters purchases?
A: The Hooters MasterCard is a card that can be used anywhere MasterCard cards are accepted worldwide.

Q: Can I pay my Hooters MasterCard bill at a Hooters location?
A: No, unfortunately not.

It's Only Kind of Wrong

to put a cat in a hammock.

Every time I go to Latin America I make a vow to buy a hammock. Last summer I even made Julie promise to force me to buy one in Mexico. Did I? No. I always become a crazy miser and start to tell myself "What am I going to do with a hammock? I don't even have a yard!" or "How can I guarantee the quality?" and then finally "I don't want to carry that, I'll buy it at the end of the trip." Yeah right. I still have no hammock.

So it was hard for me to feel happy for my housemate Julie when she told me she was going to drill holes into the walls of her room to hang the hammock her girlfriend had brought back for her from Guatemala. "So you don't want your deposit back?" Is I believe what I said. But she did it anyway, and this weekend we discovered how many different kinds of species enjoy relaxing in a hammock. For the first five minutes, Finn was really into it. Then he became a little angry...

I Can't Help It

This is cheesy but I love Barack Obama so much.

Hurts So Good

My 30th birthday presents just keep rolling in, and I say: bring it. This weekend I got two awesome gifts, a thai massage from my father and an original song by Eleza.

My nickname in high school was Lolo, and Eleza wrote and recorded a song for me to the tune of the Knicks song Lola. I almost cried when I heard it, but instead I had to dance alone in my tv room and imagine Eleza rocking out with me, her long curly hair flying all around as we head banged.

One of my favorite lyrics is about the first time I took Eleza to Grand Opening (now Good Vibes) when it was in the arcade building of College Corner:

Well she brought me to the fun toy store
and I'd never been liberated before
But Lolo smiled, took me by the hand
And said I'm going to show you the joys of being a woman!

After the recording, the guy who played guitar for Eleza, asked "So what's the fun toy store?" Classic. I love the song, I love that it's originally about trannies, and most of all I love Eleza and I think she's a genius with a very pretty voice.


The thai massage also brought tears to my eyes, but in a different way. My friend Erika and I met at Suchada, in bizarre part of Soma, where we were greeted with hot tea that tasted like corn husks. We were ushered into a long room divided into small womb like sections by heavy maroon drapes. We agreed it was what we always imagined a harem would be like. They give you loose clothes, Erika described as "sexy maternity outfits" to change into.

I was lying face down when my massage therapist came in, so I didn't see her face nor realized that I was at least 8 inches taller than her until later. She asked me what I wanted her to focus on and I said "shoulders and hips". I didn't know that I had just given her license to pound away with her elbows on my back, twist and turn me like a pretzel and then finally, mount me in the missionary position while pushing on one leg. It was crazy.

That tiny lady beat the crap out of me. At one point, I was sitting up, and she sat behind me and suddenly her feet were walking up my back. She used her entire body to give the massage and it was awesome. I'm covered in bruises, but it was just what I have always wanted a massage to be and I want to go back. 30 is a good year so far.